what's a five year plan anyway?

Growing up was always a scary experience for me. I spent much of my free time being anxious about what my life would be like, going all of he possible scenarios my life could delve into. As I got older he fear of getting older only slightly eased and there seemed to be less time compared to when I was a child, to dwell on the multitude of happenings in my imagination. When I was younger I knew that my world would expand, and I knew inevitably I would have to go out into the real world. When I got married, instead of expanding our social circle, I was told that I only needed the family I had created.

One of the many reasons I got married so young was mainly due to the fact that I wanted to experience more of what life had to offer me. My marriage, while traumatic, is something I think of as a good reminder of what I shouldn’t do. After the marriage ceremony, my life began to feel like someone had press fast forward. I felt like I couldn’t keep up with all of the events, and I didnt have any time to process much of the abuse I was going through. Because I knew my ex had his own mental health struggles, I chose to look aside from the abuse that occurred, and did my best to try to keep my family together. However hard I tried, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that this would be what my life would look like until I died, and at the time that was very much a real possibility that it could happen any time.

A culmination of events went down, and before my twenty second birthday, I left. I was tired of being made the person in the wrong, and even when I did admit my faults, it only made things worse in the long run. I had hit rock bottom, and I knew that it was finally time to throw in the marital towel, and cut my losses.

My divorce, and to an extent my marriage, were never really accounted for in any of the life plans I had created as a child, so even though I left the marriage with a child, it was easy to get back on track, and start over, no matter how heartbroken I was, the overwhelming feeling of freedom mostly deters me from going back into a relationship where I know I couldn’t trust my partner.

When I thought about turning twenty four, it was hard to remember if I thought about what it would be like as a child. I knew I would probably have graduated, or would have been about to graduate from college, which is where I am at currently. I also always knew I wanted kids fairly soon after graduating so I could be a young mom, and I dont feel a need, currently, to have any more children. When I think about what my future can look like, all I can imagine is me and my son. Currently, there are still a lot of loose ends that I would like to clear up before starting to date, and the thought of being intimate with another person, regardless if its only emotional intimacy, doesn’t appeal much to me. I know that it would definitely be nice, if the person was also nice, but though I have options, I cannot bring myself to actually explore what they are offering to me.

Maybe its just because I know how much energy it takes to be involved with someone, especially if you think they’re a person you want to spend your life with, for now, I just cant see myself getting married again. And I know that my views on dating and marriage will change again, because at my core, I will always be a hopeless romantic looking for the perfect love, I feel content to stay single for the foreseeable future. I like having time to myself again, being able to explore hobbies in the free time I have from studying. I especially love not having to worry about anyone other than myself (you should know that this includes my son, as until he’s old enough in the eyes of the law, he’s an extension of me, since we come as a pair). Getting older was always something that slightly worried me, I always felt most of the time in my life that I was behind in some way, it felt like I was in a constant game of catch up, especially within my marriage. When I look back at my life now though, I cant help but feel thankful that my life has actually slowed down. I used to avoid thinking about the future by throwing myself into things that would help progress the goals I had in life. At twenty three I always thought my biggest accomplishment was having my son, at twenty four, I realize my greatest accomplishment has always been having the strength to know when its time to stop and take time to process what is going on, something I never had time to do in my marriage. I am so thankful for another year to learn and develop into the person I planned to be.