the wonderful world of antidepressants

I try my best to be as open as possible about my mental health. It clears my head to be able to explain it in writing or by talking to someone. So it wasn’t a surprise when I started taking the medication I was prescribed after almost two years, helped tremendously in just under two months.

Before the end of my marriage, in a last ditch attempt to save what fragile relationship we had, we decided to seek individual psychiatric help. We were at the point where death was something I thought about a lot, and being stuck in a physically abusive marriage did nothing to ease those thoughts until I started my medication. I had been prescribed an antidepressant while pregnant but mainly due to my ex, I wasn’t allowed to take it.

Being open about my mental health is the only way I can make myself feel sane. If everyone knows, then it’s a burden off my shoulders trying to hide it from the world. Not hiding the fact my mental health also eases the existential thought of being alone, in sharing my experiences, I know that it will find a place in which it is meant to be in.

When I first experienced depression I was fifteen, and barely understood how the world worked. In a few months I went from a bubbly, always laughing girl, to the version of myself in my lowest moments. It was the first time I ever actively noticed I was apathetic and completely unmotivated to do anything, I couldn’t find any way to reverse it. My parents have always been my number one support, and they got me the help I needed in order to get back to my bubbly self.

The next time I experienced a serious bout of depression was when I was pregnant with my son. All of the emotions as well as dealing with newfound abuse was incredibly difficult and almost killed me on many occasions. I knew things were bad but I was convinced if I could just hold my head above water until things cooled down, I would be fine.

I have been stuck in that depression until I finally got back to seeing a psychiatrist and beginning my medications again. since being back on medications, I feel like I can actually think, there isn’t a voice nagging me to be unproductive, and I am noticing my focus improving.

There are still bad days, days when I feel overstimulated beyond belief, and days when I can’t force myself to do the things I need to do. But the overwhelming ability to function at a level I haven’t been able to function at years is an immeasurable feeling of accomplishment. I have been striving for this level of function since I gave birth, and being able to is amazingly terrifying. For years the only thing holding me back was my mental health, it kept me from engaging in things I know I should have been because I wasn’t in a state where I would be able to fulfill the responsibilities that come with the activities I am withholding myself from. Now that my mental health is less of a roadblock, its daunting to look toward the future I once thought was ages away.

I have conflicting thoughts about medications, and all of the ways you can use it. I generally tend to avoid doctor prescribed medications as much as possible, I like to let my antibodies do work, but I’ve always used them when no other alternative has been available or I was in so much pain I wanted them.

I think it’s nice to know that I’m still learning about myself, and being on antidepressants allows me that ability to find and explore both new and old interests.