spiraling

I feel like I could spend forever thinking about the ways I’ve changed as a person.

I could spend hours discussing the ins and outs of my emotions, letting you know how I feel, painting an elaborate picture for you with my ongoing sentences that never seem to end.

As a child I had big expectations for myself, and while I never really had anyone in my family push unnecessary expectations onto me, the weight of my own expectations both collided and crashed into the expectations of those around me, making it hard to decipher which expectation was mine, and whether it was reasonable.

I like to think that I make my life a lot harder than it needs to be.

I think about moments that shouldn’t matter, I cling onto old wounds, and I think so much about the past, in an attempt to keep it repeating again.

There have been moments in my life that felt unreal, there have been seconds where I remember the exact moment I’m in but from a dream I had four years ago.

My life is a spiral, and I don’t necessarily mean a downward spiral, but still a spiral. Somehow the winding curves of my decisions can take me back to certain events but not entirely.

Like I said before, the spiral doesn’t necessarily tilt in either direction, but it does have the ability too. The same way that life highs and lows, the curves of the spiral ascend or descend when it calls for. eventually you reach points you were at in one point of your life, but because you’ve changed, it never quite hits the exact spot.

Despite all of my life experience, I’m still incredibly sheltered. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act in every situation. Most of the time I write I forget everything i’ve written, until someone I know messages me about how personal it all is. I don’t know how anyone can look at me and think this is an insightful person.

Im at a point in my life where things feel shakier then they ever have before. In the past, the curvature and lines of my spiral may have gone off course, but the lines are shaky and unsure of which way to go.

I hate comparing myself to others because my life just seems so unconventional compared to the peers I would use as comparison. I don’t feel that my outlook on life translates into something comprehensible, and I know it’s a very eccentric way of thinking.

I also feel like I just cant relate to myself anymore.

Several pieces of me just cant fit in to the spaces I have, and I know it will take time to get back to a place where those pieces do fit in.

But then I cant stop thinking about instant gratification, and knowing that it’s not what I want, but because of that, how long will healing actually take? My whole life feels surreal.

The me before used to never think about the future, it used to still feel like a daydream, far off into the future. I know that I’m still in the transition from a young adult into a grown adult, but the whole thing really throws my head around. I don’t feel young, but I don’t feel old, and I KNOW I am an adult but I still feel 17 (but I mainly think that’s because I still live with my parents ily mom and dad).

The me now just feels so weird. She’s so grown up, she’s prettier than I ever thought I would be, and for some reason she’s actually a decently well adjusted human being as long as I’m in a safe environment with the support I know I need in my life.

Every single time I think back to my healing process, every point in my life where I have been happy was because I was open about my sadness.

It feels weird now that there is hardly any sadness, and I remember being at this point before, when I was in college for the first time but I was still sad then. For as long as I could remember I have been a hopeless romantic, and while I remain mainly cynical, I still hold onto the hope that one day I will find that love I so desperately desire.

The difference now is that I don’t really want it, and its so funny that I adopted an old belief before getting married: I am not looking to be a part of a ‘Tomasi AND’ situation.

As a cute little naive Tomasi, I played off never getting asked out by stating that I didn’t want a relationship because I didn’t want to lose my sense of individuality, something that was only half true.

I had held off on relationships in the past because they had scared me. The idea of commitment was overwhelming, and I only really had this belief because I didn’t want to be responsible for a males feelings and behaviors. the thought of commitment still scared me when I was eighteen and falling in love for the first time, but it was new and exciting, and it was still early enough before the red flags started waving.

A big part of me hold sentiment for my ex because I know he feels no one understands, I can admit that I let him hide us away because I felt the same. He used to call us black sheep. I used to always be upset.

At the time I was still trying to portray the idea that we were happy and above all, normal and well adjusted. Something I think did affect the relationship we had, helping lead to its eventual dissolution.

I think my marriage was a test but not a test for me. I think that the universe led me to the divorce as my own test.

So I enter 2023 feeling like this is the first start to my real life, and everything I've done until now serves as a reminder that no goal is out of my reach.