something about dating

One of the hardest things to process after I left my marriage was detangling the web of lies I had created to portray the image of a happy family. I struggled to unlearn the toxic behaviors gained through my marriage, and finding a way to express who I actually was after years of being told to be something different.

As a child I had high expectations for marriage. I knew that I wanted to finish college, been in at least two long term relationships, and beginning the journey of my career before I got married. As it turned out, I dropped out of college, I was pregnant the summer after leaving my first year of college, and I was married by the fall of the 2018. Despite being lightyears away from my original life plan, I was relatively happy with my life. As we got further into my pregnancy, the abuse began to become more and more prevelant, but I knew that my ex and I both needed to learn what it was like to be in a healthy relationship, and I assumed that the love we had for one another would encourage each other to do better. We were in the midst of transitioning into being fully independent from our families, and I think the stress of having a child, trying to figure out how to support said child, and trying to figure out a way to keep the family afloat overwhelmed my ex and caused him to lash out physically, and despite his attempts to get me to forgive and forget, it was something I always held onto and didn’t allow him to try to hide it, I forced him on numerous occasions to admit it, only for him to keep denying it until I forced him to admit again, continuing the cycle endlessly.

After having my son, I devoted my life and energy into being a mother and wife. I was enthralled that my biggest dream and life goal had come true. I loved being a wife, I adore being a mother even more. caring for my family was something I took great pride in, and I wanted to do it the “right” way. Besides the abuse, together we were both trying to do our best adjusting to being married and having a child. There were many times where we had to reconvene and figure out if we really wanted to keep working on the marriage together, and there were multiple “contracts” and deals were made in our attempts to “fix” what had become broken. Eventually there were issues I could no longer agree to look past and I felt like I had hit my limit and rock bottom at the same time. I was emotionally exhausted, I felt suffocated by my marriage, I dreaded when my ex would wake up and his lack of presence in our daily lives was too much for me to overlook, especially because he wasn’t even gone from the house, he would just sleep or lock himself in our back room. I realized that I shouldn’t have to ask him to change, and even though I wasn’t perfect and needed to work on myself just as much as he did, I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to get better if I stayed with him.

When I left my marriage, I didn’t feel safe anymore. The threats I received did their work in scaring me into not doing anything outside of caring for my son, and while that wasn’t really a problem for me, early in the separation I found myself incredibly jealous at the fact that my ex was freely doing whatever he pleased while he had scared me back under a sliver of his control. For a while I was scared to leave the house unless I was with my dad, I essentially became agoraphobic and it is something that still affects me. While I have always naturally been a homebody, there is obviously a huge difference in feeling like you have to sacrifice your own pleasure and relationships, just so another person doesn’t end up forcing you to argue with them. Staying home all the time also wasn’t much a difference from when I had been married. I wasn’t “allowed” to leave the house by myself when I was married, and if I did I would be bombarded with accusations of cheating and “plotting” some elaborate scheme to screw my ex over. Towards the end of our marriage, I slowly began to leave the house during the day with my son and even though we would only go to the park or grocery store, almost every instance where I left the house caused a scene. After I had left, I think most people would assume I was a little dramatic when it comes to how little I left the house, but there were two separate occasions where I was harassed severely because I was seen out with friends, and it just wasn’t worth the stress to deal with, and I simply didn’t leave the house unless I was with my immediate family.

When our divorce finally settled, I slowly began to try to work towards being friendly and communicating more. I had been told on numerous occasions that he was doing better and I felt comfortable enough with slowly beginning to interact with him again. It felt odd not to argue with him, even though I was incredibly grateful to not have to go through the anxiety attack of disagreeing with him, it made our interactions seem fake. There were a few occasions when we first began communicating that were difficult to navigate, but eventually he respected the fact that we no longer had the kind of relationship where we even needed to be arguing. His attempts to get me to argue with him, only backfired on himself by putting him back in his healing journey, and we reached a mutual level of respect, keeping the topic only on our son and what was going on in his life.

Because of the tumultuous events over the past two years, and because my divorce wasn’t finalized until this past summer, I didn’t really have any time or a desire to explore romantic opportunities. I was far too caught up in detangling myself from my ex, and I felt like it would be unsafe for me to bring another person into my romantic life when my previous relationship was still falling apart. I want to be clear that I didn’t outright avoid romantic pursuits, and I didnt abstain from other relationships because I had hope that my marriage would fix itself, but because I was genuinely afraid that I would involve some innocent person into a mess of emotions, and I couldn’t really guarantee that there wouldn’t be any physical response had I found another partner. While I have been on a few dates, I’ve always made it clear to those pursuing me that I wouldn’t be willing to move fast at all. i also knew I needed to work through the abuse I had endured within my marriage, and I didn’t want to rush into a relationship and exhibit toxic behavior because I hadn’t worked through my trauma. For the most part, romantic endeavors haven’t even really made the list of things to worry about, but I can’t lie and say that I never think about them. i am a self proclaimed hopeless romantic. Ive been using romantic daydreams, fantasizing about my perfect relationship, for as long as I can remember.

As my life began to slow down and free up, I find myself going back and forth from being ready to date again to being violently disgusted at the state of the dating culture. Unfortunately, to the dismay of my lover girl heart, this has also been affecting my outlook on remarrying and birthing more children, because while I want more children, it is a hard requirement that I be married before having a baby and I cannot envision clearly that I get married again. my desire to find a partner does not outweigh the overwhelming feeling of how burdensome it is to fall in love. Regardless of how much love is there, no matter how much you romanticize the relationship, there is work involved, even with the easy ones. There is literally nothing stopping a person from falling out of love with you, cheating on you, or just betraying you, there is no way to be fully in control of the relationship, it never just involves you.

As a teenager, I used to adamantly refuse to want to be in a relationship, partly because I wasn’t allowed to date, but also because a part of me knew that I was not ready for the kind of commitment that I wanted out of a relationship, I voiced my desire to not be part of a pair, to be seen as just Tomasi-the individual, and not Tomasi-And-Blank. this was one of my own personal grievances about being married, I had always assumed my partner would “allow” me the space to still express my individuality while allowing me to still be involved within the shared identity of the relationship, instead I was essentially forced to be an accessory, simply arm candy, constantly being told I need to better myself to fully serve my responsibilities as trophy wife. While I was never really bothered by the title of trophy wife, I hated the fact that it was all my identity was tied to, I couldn’t share my eccentric hobbies and interests because it didn’t fit their idea of what a perfect wife should be into.

Getting divorced was never something I desired, I worked endlessly before having to make the decision for my family to break it apart. My son was reaching an age where it was becoming harder to hide arguments from him, and I was becoming increasingly aware of the fact that there would be more arguments with him around than when he was gone and it annoyed me to no end. Unfortunately, I had to literally hit rock bottom and become involved with a scenario I would have never imagined myself being in, and it woke my ass up faster than anything that had happened in four years in the relationship. I was shocked that I had stooped to a level so low it disgusted me, it was all I needed to get the courage to take control over my life again, I refused to allow myself to be put in the same position, and the words of my ex no longer had any meaning, I couldn’t trust him even if I wanted to. At the time, I was really conflicted about the feelings I had towards my ex husband, and the disgust I had with myself for becoming someone I didn’t approve of. I knew it would be selfish to pick myself, especially because I had devoted my entire being into my marriage and family, and while I knew marriage took sacrifices and compromises to work, I was so upset at the fact that there wasn’t an equal distribution or even a desire to try to show the same devotion to me that I showed to him. I think every couple is free to practice whichever roles they desire, and come to agreement on, but I never agreed to being lesser than my husband, and just because I had chosen a more traditional role of mother and wife, I never agreed to being written over like some character in a game that you customize to your liking. I didn’t like having to push my own feelings aside just for the sake of my husband, it felt like we were staying together for all of the wrong reasons. I didn’t want to have to force the person I love to be the person I needed them to be, I didn’t have the desire to put in the extra work and sacrifice even more of myself, just to keep the title of wife. I couldn’t see a future in which anything changed, and selfishly, I didnt really want to have to wait for change, I had already voiced my displeasure on numerous occasions, all of my own suggestions were thrown out, and I was treated like a child who needed to learn how to be an adult, when the person who felt they needed to “teach” me did nothing to actually better themselves. The biggest thing to me was that I wasn’t seen as an equal and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I would never be seen as an equal, I tried my best to grant my husband the same amount of grace and respect I had hoped he would to me and it was far too triggering to keep having that taken completely for granted. When I had finally made the decision to leave, it was the first step I knew I needed to make if I wanted a partner who would treat me the way I wanted and see me as an equal. I told my ex I would only consider coming back to our marital home if he agreed to drastically change and essentially beg and grovel at my feet until I felt like it was enough, I knew it wasn’t healthy but it was the only way to get my ex to realize we were no longer in love enough to make it work out, we both refused to compromise at all, and while I feel like I was the one who really only had the power to refuse to compromise, I wasn’t going to force someone to change to be with me. I always had the idea that its best to leave when you know that you’re no longer going to get what you desire out of a relationship, at that point you’re only prolonging the pain you would cause by your partner, causing it more complicated for them to move on. A relationship is a shared responsibility, I was completely drained at the time of making my ultimatum, I voiced how tired I was of arguing, that things needed to change and I had already done so much for the sake of the relationship, if he couldn’t prove he could give just as much as me, that he appreciated the sacrifice I had put in to allow me the chance to take a break and let him him “fix” the relationship, then I was done trying to keep us together. For months after, I fielded his attempts to make me jealous, messages from women i knew that he attempted to “pursue” thinking people I knew would have any desire to be around him. It was sickening to have him act so entitled to my body, threatening me for trying to move on and embarrassing himself by spreading lies about me on his public profile. All of it just confirmed my decision to leave and helped immensely to fall out of love entirely, whenever I felt a wave of grief for my marriage, there was always some incident to remind me why I had left, and in the event I had no contact with my ex, I would remind myself of the more intense arguments we would have.

By the time our divorce was finalized I was no longer in love with my ex, I still cared about whether he was doing okay for the sake of my son, even though I didn’t like him I had always emphasized how important it would be that he stay in an active role in our son’s life, even while we were still married I made this excruciatingly clear. Because our marriage was so rocky, we had many conversations about what we expected from each other should we ever divorce, my answer was always just that he be there for our son when he was asked to be.

Currently our relationship is still a bit rough. Our son doesn’t express a desire to visit, and I know it must be painful but I can’t force myself to make my son visit the other half of his family. The divorce decree is also pretty strict in what is required for visits, and because we are both in the process of putting our own individual lives together there isn’t a lot of time to plan visits that work with the court requirements and that fit our schedule, we both are incredibly reliant on our own parents which also hinders part of the scheduling process. I also cant lie and say that I am not 100% comfortable with allowing my son to visit on a regular basis, there are still things that I think need to be addressed regarding communication. there is still a lot of work to be done before we can reach the co parenting relationship that I had envisioned, but like every journey, progress takes time.

As I look back on the relationship, I find myself exhausted, I can’t even fully believe that everything that occurred in the four short years are indeed real events, not just things I imagined happening. So much of what occurred feels like it happened to someone else because I had almost no time at all to process the events, there was always something occurring. Now that I am single, I find myself really having to think about what I want to do regarding my romantic life. I would more than likely be content with waiting until my son gets older to date, but a part of me still desires to find something sooner than that. the big issue with finding a new partner is that I know that I am a much more relaxed person when single, I get the time I need to explore my hobbies, I don’t have to explain my activities to another person, and despite feeling like I hated being alone as a child, after my marriage where it was expected that we spend literally every second together and never apart, I value my private time so much more than I ever have, and I already valued my time alone quite a bit before I married. I know that a part of who I am in a relationship is extremely giving, and clingy, I want to be with someone who is excited to spend time with me every time we get together. I want a partner to shower me with affection and words of affirmation, and I know that there are parts of me that aren’t healed enough to give and receive what I want and need from a relationship.

Part of the reason I am against pursuing a romantic prospect is because I don’t really feel like I’m ready to exert the amount of energy that goes into dating, and I personally believe that the right person will come at the time they are needed, maybe this is because initially, my ex and I were not looking for a relationship at all, but obviously due to forces of love, we decided to give dating a chance. At the time of meeting, I had already decided to not really focus on finding a boyfriend, and I was overcome by a feeling I never experienced. My whole dating “process” currently consists of random conversations that rarely stimulate my mind and fielding the more forward advances. pursuing a person (at this time) is out of the question for me because I want to be with someone who puts in the extra effort to essentially prove that seeking a relationship with me is something they are ready to devote their time and energy into.

For now, I feel like searching for a relationship would only distract me from some of the more important things that I have coming up this year. i also would love to spend time traveling in the little free time that I have. When I was growing up I always liked the idea of having a partner to go through life with, after being married for four years, eases the fomo I would have been experiencing if I hadn’t started my family life so early. I personally don’t really believe in having regrets, I’m far too anxious to constantly ruminate over what I could have done differently.

Did I always make the right decisions? Certainly not, but regardless I still feel thankful for the good experiences that I had within my marriage. in my life I always try to focus on what that experience taught me, and how I should use it to move forward with my life. It is still difficult to think about how the relationship with my ex was like, for the majority I try to ignore the memories that get brought up in passing. Leaving the marriage wasnt the easiest decision I ever made, but it is easily the second best decision I made (the first: having my son). Staying in that marriage would have destroyed one of us, and I really felt icky that we had let ourselves go that far. Even though I no longer experience romantic love, I have really been trying to work on rebuilding my familial bonds that were almost destroyed by my marriage. I have gotten myself and my son into therapy to work out all of the leftover emotions now that divorce has finally settled, it is a relief to know that all of the members of my “created” family are putting in the healing work to collaborate peacefully further in the future.