living through events only previously dreamed of

As the weeks flew by, as the months turned into years, I have finally made it to the point in life I always thought was so far away, my child’s first day of school. When I was a teenager I was very determined that I would have a child after I had graduated college and was working a job I felt comfortable in. The timeline in which I got pregnant was deviations away from the timeline I had expected but was very much planned. I was very much excited to be a young mother, I knew that the timeline I have been following was not in any of the original plans I had made, but it gave me some experiences I wouldn’t trade for the world. I was still very young when I got married and had a baby, but now that I have had the time and experience of an adult I think back to sixteen year old me, who thought this period of life would always be ages away and I look at myself through her eyes, and I cant imagine what she would think. As I get older I find it harder to look at life with childlike wonder, but I can only imagine that my younger selves would think I was insane for going through so much after being so tame for my entire childhood. When I became an adult, I wanted to be as independent as possible, I wanted to make as many decisions as I could and I wanted to make them all on my own, never having to think about anyone but me. When I became a mother, I think that was the universe telling me that I needed to think about all of the aspects of my decisions, I couldn’t be selfish in the way I wanted to as a new adult.

I find that the best way to describe what it was like in the beginning, learning to be a mother, was that I was sacrificing parts of myself in order to devote my full energy into taking care of my child. I abandoned most of my needs, and a majority of the time I was only thinking of ways to benefit my child. It took a lot of convincing from my family that I needed to take time for me as well. My mental health suffered, and I allowed it too, in order to maintain my devotion as a mother. In the time of my separation, I was still trying to find the balance between taking care of my needs while being able to give my son anything he wanted or needed, it got exceptionally easier as I began to take control of my body again, no longer breastfeeding or changing diapers. Slowly my life was no longer in control of my son, and I wanted to give that same devotion I had, but knew in my heart it was too much, and my son didnt require the same amount of effort that I had previously over exerted.

The time of my separation was really a deep reflection of who I was and wanted to be, and what I needed to do in order to fulfill my now third life plan. In the beginning of my separation I explored all of the options I had before me while I waited to return to school, but in all honesty I was only looking ahead at least two years. Now that my son is about to begin school, and I have just completed my divorce, it is once again time to create an entirely new life plan, and as I reflect on life I have found myself thoroughly enjoying life. While I am still uncertain of what the future holds, I love getting to see my son experience life and he is a constant reminder to nurture and heal my inner child so that my son can continue life with as little disruptions as possible. As I navigate a new co parenting relationship I find myself actually looking forward to rebuilding a civil relationship with my ex, instead of dreading even having a short conversation with him. While I never have thought of my life as perfect, especially given the last five years of trauma, I am exceptionally thankful for whatever forces it was that kept me afloat during those years. The last two years were a mixture of trauma and healing at once, but I feel weightless as more and more stress falls away from my body.