I regret not being able to be a maiden seduced by a prince

Since getting the call that I am divorced I have been going over the things I want out of my life and ruminating on the possibilities that I could encounter in the near future. Despite the fact that I am “free” in my mind to date somebody openly, I don’t really feel like that is something I want to do at this point in time.

Since deciding to leave my marriage I have been on a few dates, and each time I haven’t felt anything that indicates that this is something that could be forever. I often end things with people because I feel like they aren’t looking for the same things as me, or more often because they think I can fit in their life the way they want me to. I would consider my standards for dating or marriage are somewhat similar to what other people are looking for, but it has been hard to find someone who values emotional intimacy as much as I do.

Todays world of dating is very much based in how you will look and fit into the other persons life, they chose you for a reason. While I don’t necessarily think that is wrong, I want to make a connection with someone before trying to make physical connections, that could potentially come from anyone. Since I was married for four years, I definitely compare potential suitors to the behavior my ex had exhibited when we first started dating, and basing my standards on the things I liked about my previous relationship, and what I didn’t like about it. Ive only been on a handful of dates but I’ve yet to feel anything that makes me want to date.

Because I know I have things within myself to work on, I have dated less than I would like to, and its helpful in the sense that it allows me to really think about what I want out of future relationship and partner. It allows me to think about what hard and soft boundaries I have within dating, and overall really test the patience that I think dating requires. If I had to choose about what dating looks like for me, is a lot of first dates. I really want to get to know who someone really is through talking and activities, rather than trying to act like we already are friends, and know what the other is looking for. In society, I think instant gratification has really hindered the relationships of the modern world. So many people are sure that because social media and dating apps open you to entire cities full of people, that it is easy to find exactly what you’re looking for in a future partner. With premium accounts, you can adjust filters to find your exact match, and many users trust the algorithm to find their perfect match. If you aren’t looking for a relationship, it’s easy to find someone who is looking for the same thing as you, in a short amount of time. Because apps can make parts of a person look like your match, people expect feelings to be reciprocated immediately or soon after meeting, which is weird when you really think about the fact that most of the time that person is a stranger. Maybe its because I’m looking for my next partner to happen organically but the idea of finding a stranger specifically with intent to date is off-putting for me.

As I get to know myself better and take the time to really think about what I want, it is easy to see that a lot of my life mistakes are caused by moving too fast and recklessly. Which is why now, as a single mother who is looking to date in the near future, I think it is important for me to meet someone through living my life and going to events that I enjoy. I want to find someone who complements the lifestyle I plan to eventually live. For now I feel like I’m not established enough to build a solid relationship, it is going to take time before I am able to give what I would like to give in a relationship, and I want to make sure that I am in a position to fully offer myself and look for something that could hopefully be forever. It is frustrating knowing that my only experience in love is one that I brought me so much pain, but I also relish in the fact that the relationship was so chaotic that it provided me with enough content to write about for as long as live, whether it be private or public.

It’s scary to think about allowing myself to be vulnerable with a new person, I’ve been avoiding directly thinking about being so vulnerable with someone because its hard to really see myself doing that again at this point in time. Finding a new partner to go through life with is something I would really enjoy, but the amount of work and energy it would take for me to find one is still a mountain I have yet to climb.

For the first time in my life, I actually enjoy being single. Before meeting my ex, I was so sure that I wouldn’t even be in a serious relationship until at least 20. Dating was one of those things that I always expected to come later in life, after I had already established who I was and what I wanted to do, a whole other dimension away from getting pregnant at nineteen and married at twenty. Now that my life plan has completely altered from the only two life plans I had made previously, its nice to know that I don’t have anyone to think about other than my son and myself. I used to always say that I didn’t want to date because I didn’t want to be a part of a pair and lose my sense of individuality. Right now I feel like im at the point in time, if I had followed my first life plan, to start to think about getting serious with somebody, in my second life plan, I would be thinking about having another kid. In my third, and hopefully final, life plan, I’m relieved that I have nothing to stress other than completing school, at least for a few more years. In my previous plans, there was a rush to complete them, there was a lot of personal pressure to achieve the goals that I felt I was falling behind on. Now that it is just me and my son, I can avoid the feelings of failure because we are on our way to the life I have always been dreaming of, regardless of whether there is a partner to come along with.