a twenty something year old divorcee

After almost been two years, and a lengthy divorce process, its finally almost complete. Honestly the thought of being legally divorced always seemed so far away because of court procedures, it is hard to imagine what comes next now that I will be unattached from that part of my life.

I never expected to be divorce in my twenties and while I joke about having a starter husband, its difficult to admit that I wish I wasn’t getting divorced. It feels like an admittance of failure, and even though I know it is the right decision for everyone involved, its still difficult to navigate the feelings that surround the divorce.

When I first separated, it was hard to deal with the emotions, I hadn’t fallen out of love immediately, it was a culmination of events that led to the decision that would end my marriage. The easiest way to say what happened is to admit that it was a final straw of multiple betrayals that I wasn’t willing to put up with anymore. My marriage was disintegrating every part of my life, it didnt make me happy anymore, I felt like I had given up so much only to get so little in return. I know I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I know nothing I did ever justified the things that happened to me in that marriage.

Talking about my marriage and the dissolution of it is one of the times I wish I wasn’t so dual sided in my nature. I wish I didn’t have to miss what I know was only a small fraction of the time being married. i think a lot of people in my life would say I didnt leave my marriage because I wanted to, I made the executive decision for my married family that was the best for the three of us. The marriage had taken a turn for the worst, and it wasn’t safe or heathy for either of us to force the other to stay, it was a semi mutual agreement to give up fighting, even if it meant giving up the effort we were putting into keeping the marriage together.

The year following the separation was the most emotional I had ever been. There was so many things going on, and I was trying to return to society as fast as possible. Eventually I stopped trying to go out of my way to return to society. It was overwhelming thinking about dating, and it just wasn’t the right time to be social. I was struggling with everything that had happened in the marriage and it was hard to not be triggered in a social setting. It had been years since I was around other people and my social skills needed a good amount of work so that I could function in life without the overwhelming amount of anxiety. One of the most devastating blows that came with accepting the ending of the marriage was accepting that my social skills were severely stunted from years of being forced to only engage with family members.

In my life, I try to use my failures to further my knowledge. if I can learn a lesson from the failure, it takes away the sting of hurt from acknowledging failure. The biggest failure of my life is this marriage. But it taught me about patience and more importantly, taught me how to accept being alone.

When I got married, we were both fresh out of high school, ready to take on the world with the confidence a teenager can only have. When I met my ex it felt like my life was on fast forward. Everything moved fast, and faster than I knew, we were living together, fully on our own. everything was going by faster than I could process it, which was part of the reason I stayed in the marriage despite the abuse. It was really hard to know what I was feeling, I was being encouraged to push aside my feelings, I was essentially being given Andrew Tate level life advice, when I am definitely a hippie kind of person. It couldn’t be truer that the two of us were opposites, and it was something that affected our marriage greatly. Its really hard to get along and live with a person who generally agrees with you but views life in a completely different way than you. It felt like I was in a constant competition that I didnt want to be in.

Since our separation, I was able to get the space I needed the entire marriage. My head wasn’t entirely clear, but there was one less thing, or rather hundreds of things I didnt need to exert my brain power for. It was relieving finally being able to breathe, but it was lonely.

Being alone for the first time in years was so uncomfortable at first, I felt guilty for leaving the person I loved, but I knew I couldn’t keep living the way I was. I was tired of constantly arguing over the same things, putting an effort into fixing my life, and not receiving the same amount of effort in the marriage. I was tired all of the time and even when I slept, I didnt rest.

Eventually the loneliness subsided, and my head was even clearer with another thing I didnt have to worry about anymore. I don’t really know when it happened, but I realized it was days since I had thought about anything involving the marriage, and I felt a weird sensation of guilt mixed with pride.

Now that the divorce is coming to a close, and I am getting a piece of the co parenting relationship I had been waiting for, my life seems mainly put together. On paper at least, there are still a million things to put together, but knowing im closer to knocking one more task off the to do list of life is so rewarding.